To the young girl in the photo - this message is for you.
At the core of an eating disorder that has threatened my existence over and over, there is a deeply held belief of unworthiness.
My brain is well aware that we are all worthy - we don't "earn" it through achievements and it doesn't waver when we change jobs.
Yet, when we have practiced a belief for a very long time, it takes time and emotional processing to unlearn and relearn.
My body has stored the pain of unworthiness and loneliness of a serious illness that is misunderstood even by "experts" in the field. As I commit to letting go of the belief that I am unworthy, the emotions and memories of all the times believing in my unworthiness nearly killed me come to the surface.
Yet, I do not avoid, anymore, as I know this is not the way through. I sit. I feel. I breathe.
I am grateful for the therapist that let me know this process will suck- it sure sucks. AND... I trust that this process will become the gift I give to others as I sit with them in their hell while they navigate through to a well lived life full of love, peace, and self-compassion.
You ARE worthy of that life. I don't need your CV or give a shit about your job title, board scores, or financial wellness to know that.
To accomplish my life mission of establishing communities of healing for those with the wounds of unworthiness, I must continue to face the pain of my own unworthiness, reclaim the narrative, embody the belief that I am worthy, and open my heart to true connection. This struggle that I face is the core message of my mission as I help others to embody their inherent worthiness, because I see you. I feel you. I know it sucks to feel unworthy- and I also know it's not true. 💖
This pain is a guiding light - a teacher paving the way to what truly matters in life and helps us to see all the lies we have been told that negatively impact our minds, bodies, and spirits.
For me - this journey doesn't go from feeling unworthy to worthy. The first step has been to let go of the belief that I am unworthy. I can accept that I am NOT unworthy much more believably than I am worthy. I can fully embody that belief... turtle steps taken over time are much more sustainable that gigantic leaps.
Through the lens of self-compassion, I will reject any belief or comment provided to me that prompts me to question my worth and value as a human. May those who attempt to devalue others heal the pain within themselves - and may we heal enough to see that those comments are not meant for us ✨
If you feel unworthy at times, you are not alone. It's a common experience, and one that often leads us to dive into superficial means of "success" to blunt the pain. Yet, that void cannot be sustainably filled by our accomplishments, and we are distracting ourselves through life in the attempts.
The journey to let go of the sense of unworthiness will not be all sunshine and rainbows- yet I believe we either sit in the hell or learn to walk through it. Why remain in a known discomfort for fear of unknown discomfort- especially when it will likely lead to less suffering and greater life fulfillment?
I know this pain of unworthiness. Now, I lean into the uncertainty of what it feels to NOT feel unworthy on the path to worthiness. I am here to walk with you on the journey, as well.
Much love,
Jillian (or Silly Jilly as I was known in the photo)
