Original version published on KevinMDÂ
Tune in to "Permission to Pivot" on the The Mindful Healers podcast to hear more of my story and messages to support you in your life and/or career transitions.
In 2013, I commissioned into the Air Force, selected to become an Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeon and would soon embark on my residency journey to get there. I was stoked as I finally felt I was living the path I had worked so hard to craft out for myself. Pinch me.
Up until this point, my educational path was linear. I committed to dental school during my first year in undergrad after I was accepted into a fast track 3:4 program which meant that I would complete 3 years of undergrad followed by 4 years of dental school. At age 18, I had mentally committed to a career trajectory for the rest of my life.
As I entered dental school, I would start to feel twinges of doubt. I began to question the career trajectory, and I was reassured that it was likely my self-confidence talking.
I continued dental school, and I found myself attracted to Oral and Maxillofacial Surgery (OMFS). I loved the ability to advance my medical training, and I envisioned the life changing surgeries that I would be able to perform for individuals. I stayed in dentistry thinking that I would be happier when I was in OMFS residency and the Air Force.... an illusion commonly referred to as the "arrival fallacy."
After dental school, I commissioned into the Air Force and moved to TX. I remember receiving the phone call that I would be moving to TX, it came on a cold winter day in IL, and I was filled with joy.
However, the tides would turn. During my time in TX, I rotated as a subintern in the Air Force OMFS residency in preparation for my future residency. Soon, I would learn of my sensitivities to prolonged sleep deprivation paired with high stress duties, and I fell deep into depression- and what I know understand as burnout. Feeling like I was the only one struggling, I began to accept that the career path I had worked so hard to obtain was likely not the path for me. I met with members of the Air Force OMFS board to discuss my doubts, and we ended up agreeing that maybe my civilian program would be a better fit for me. Maybe it was the program, and not the career. Maybe it’ll be better when…
The arrival fallacy would continue- I thought- maybe it will be better when I am in my own program that I had selected through the Match process and no longer a "subintern." As I embarked on my residency journey in my amazing program, it would be solidified- it wasn't the program. It was the career.
I fell into a deeper depression and thought I had two options- I could either continue residency or end my life. I could not think of an alternative option. Between the development of severe depression and the pressures of making a misstep that would end my medical/dental career, I could not see that there were so many other options.
Thankfully, I had an amazing Psychologist who could challenge my mindset, keep me safe, and support me through decisions that would both save my life and change the trajectory in a way that has been a much better fit for me. Thankfully, I was surrounded by individuals in my program and medical school who saw me as a person first and were devoted to making sure I felt compassion and not guilt for considering a career pivot. I am extremely grateful for the individuals who gave me permission to pivot when I was committed to trying to force through the grind. I am extremely grateful for the individuals who helped me see options C-Z when I was stuck perseverating on A and B.
Valuable lessons learned- if you are stuck between options A and B, and neither seem ideal - step back, and consider C-Z. And if those aren’t enough, then look into another alphabet. There are always more options than you think. Sometimes, we need to give ourselves permission to pivot.
Also- If you are experiencing symptoms of burnout, please ask for help. Professional therapy and a supportive community were essential components of my burnout recovery journey. I am amazed at how the brain may think when not okay. Please surround yourself with supportive people that can help you see when the world seems dark.
During my darkest times, I did not realize how many other people were also struggling... I looked around, and everyone looked fine. I must be the problem, I thought... a burden I carried with me until I started writing publicly about my journey 5 years after I transferred from OMFS residency. If that sounds like you- please know you're not alone, and please swap out any guilt with endless self-compassion.
Nothing in your career is more important than your life. Nothing. <3
Much Love,
Jillian
