In 2019 - I bought a condo, as growing up with the image of the American Dream told me to buy a house as soon as I could. I loved my little condo, but I felt trapped.
I decorated the rooms and made it a home... but it wasn't me.
In 2020 - I sold it and nearly everything in it, minimizing my belongings. Not the most economical decision when it comes to house selling, but I FELT FREE.
At the time - I knew I would not be staying in my job, but I had no idea what was next.
Admittedly, I wasn't in the best of mental health space given I had never taken time off to recover from burnout, moral injury, and grief from all that was 2014-2017 for me which made it easy for me to sell everything - but that's only part of the story.
A month later, I met a human who lived across the country over Zoom who would become my future boss. I had let my oral medicine community know I was seeking a new position, and I was given a lead to his post on Twitter.
When I got the lead, I did not have Twitter - so I got it, messaged the human, and BAM. I was interviewed the next day. We went for it.
I did not realize at the time the caliber of the institution where this job would be - thankfully, as I may have told myself I wasn't good enough to pursue the opportunity at that time. I also didn't think I'd want to be at another top institution as I grew to question the culture of most.
My future position was grant-funded by the NIH/NIDCR. My first experience with NIH grant writing and the delays it can take to know if you get funded or not and when. I'm also glad I didn't know the acceptance rate. My future boss was confident, so I trusted his optimism.
While we waited, I applied and interviewed for a local faculty position, community health center role, and at local grocery stores (the only things open at the time)... anything open during COVID's shutdown. I minimized expenses as much as possible.
Numb and full of uncertainty, I held onto a sliver of hope.
I was unsure if I could dig myself out of the hole of anorexia that helped me to cope, albeit nearly costing me my life once again at that time.
In June 2021, I signed up for Martha Beck's Wayfinder Life Coach training out of desperation after hearing about the positive impact of coaching in Dr. Sunny Smith's Empowering Women Physicians FB group. It was something I hadn't yet tried - it gave me hope. The program wouldn't start until October.
Skipping over details- I ended up getting my new position, moved to Houston, and went to a Burnout Committee meeting. I asked the Chair of my department if there was a role for coaching and he was a huge advocate (I was unaware of the coaching culture well established at MD Anderson). I was fast-tracked into CoachRICE, a professional leadership coaching program - an opportunity MD Anderson has in affiliation with Rice University.
It was an incredible experience and I made the most of the opportunity. My enthusiasm was noted, and I was selected to speak at graduation and then was featured in MD Anderson's Annual Report for my coaching for 2023. A copy of the article is here: https://www.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/how-coaching-is-elevating-md-anderson-s-workforce.h00-159694389.html
Coaching helped me to get back into the driver's seat of my life, challenge the narratives that led me on paths that did not fuel my soul, showed me the importance of living in alignment with our values, and saved me - my mind, body, and spirit.
After recurrent rock bottoms and life-threatening stages with anorexia and SI, I started living differently. Over the past three years, I've shared my struggles and processed out loud which helped me to release the guilt and shame... no longer hiding in isolation.
I started to create a life true to me and allow myself to be fully myself.
While this has not magically made anorexia go away or put me into a constant state of bliss, it has helped me to be well enough to ask myself what role anorexia, anxiety and depression serve in my life and learn how to intentionally respond each moment of each day.
Living in alignment with our values doesn't mean we are constantly happy - but living OUT of alignment is a recipe for distress of the mind, body, and spirit.
This past Friday, I departed from my employed position and intentionally have chosen to give myself the opportunity to create the life I truly desire.
Accepting that my near-death experiences were indeed my life after years of dissociation has given me a sense of urgency to live - and detach myself from false senses of urgency that serve to distract.
Knowing the pain caused by feeling I had to be anyone other than me, that I didn't matter, wasn't enough, and needed to sacrifice as much as possible to the point of exhaustion each day to prove my value... that's what fuels my fire to help others escape the societal pressures that lead us astray, reducing life fulfillment and increasing our suffering.
It's time to live a life true to ourselves and focus on what truly matters to us.
And as I step out without a "plan," I leverage my story shared above. If I were to have created a plan in 2020-2021, it would never have turned out as well as the one above.
Trust yourself and lean on your supportive community... count on me to believe in you and always be here with love and support.
I know what it's like to feel lost and empty inside... I am here to partner with seekers and explorers every step of the way. You are never alone. ✨
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